Closer

Things aren’t getting any easier, just harder and more complicated…

He said we shouldn’t date because it complicates things…

Well, sir, things ARE complicated because you say you want options, you want to do whatever you want, you don’t want to be jealous… then you have options yet you keep coming back to me, you still do whatever you want which seems to include seeing me every day since you’ve been back, and you are territorial as fuck over me.

I was preparing myself for you to never come back. But you did. Then I told myself things wouldn’t be the same. In a way I was right, but not the way I thought. Things are INTENSE now. It’s not just awkwardness during the day and cuddles at night. We still act like friends but when the moment feels right you lean over and kiss me. Not like before…

You open up to me. You’re getting more comfortable around me. I’m not so nervous anymore.You see that I care enough about you to help you without batting an eye. We talk about everything. But that’s not what I’m getting to.

You want to touch me. You want to feel me. You want to taste me. You fulfill my sexual fantasies without even knowing it. Our encounters are fierce, incredible, unreal… ravenous. We may have “messed around” before but this is definitely not that. It’s not filling a basic need; it’s indulging in our sinful desires. I am so incredibly aroused by you and you by me. I see it. I experience it.

And at the end… you lay your head on my chest. You just hold me. We don’t say anything, just lay there tangled together like it’s the most natural thing in the world. The other night you just picked me up and held me in that carrying position.. the one that King Kong carried his prize, the Swamp Man too, and the way a newly wedded man carries his new wife across the threshold of their first home together. You just picked me up and held me that way like it was something we always do. I felt like a heroine from a romance novel. Although I’m not sure who rescued who.

Just two people, who would’ve never met, if circumstances hadn’t gotten so bad for us that we ended up meeting each other at the bottom recesses of society. We found each other and leaned on each other. We drank from each other in little sips to get us through the worst of it and now we’re drowning in each other.

I would’ve never met you if I hadn’t been homeless…

It was just.. I don’t know.. normally we would’ve never met, never talked, never gotten close… never gotten to the point where we needed each other… if a series of seemingly random events hadn’t occurred to force us to come face to face in this crazy huge world.

You make me feel like I have no regrets… for once in my life, everything that has gone wrong has lead me to you and I can’t and won’t take any of it back and I’m OK with that.

I must admit I am falling in love.

But I’m not telling you that.

Not just yet.

Oh Stacey…

Yesterday my friend/crush texted me. Telling me she was looking for a place for her and her girlfriend to move into. I didn’t respond much to that. She said it was because it would be too hard for her to afford it on her own. Whatever excuse makes her happy, I guess. It’s a moronic idea if her girlfriend is half as bad as she claims she is. Then she went on to say another reason she was moving out was because her mom supposedly trashed her room looking for something. So I said “That’s why I’d rather live alone. I don’t trust anybody.” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say. She immediately jumped all over me and got really defensive about moving out. She said she thought I would be happy for her. Oh yeah, like I’m going to tell you congratulations on making a bad investment by moving in with your abusive girlfriend who will most likely leave you, again, either before you get the place or after you’ve already blew a bunch of money on it.

Besides, she knows how I feel about her. Why in hell would she expect me to clap for her? Not to mention it’s just a fucking stupid idea. First she said she needed her gf to help pay bills. Then she said that her gf won’t be paying for anything so she wasn’t relying on her. Get your dumbass story together. I told her to back off and I don’t need this right now because I’m recovering from surgery and if she wanted a fight, she knew exactly who to talk to for that. No matter how many times I told her to stop, she kept texting me nasty messages. Finally she said something like “If this is what you want, then goodbye! Ttyl” to which I replied “Stop being so damn dramatic. I hope you do talk to me later when you calm down but not right now because you’re just making me upset.”

I haven’t heard from her since.

When her and her girlfriend are getting along, she doesn’t really talk to me. When they fight, she texts/calls me upset and tells me how much she “cares” about me. Then they get back together and it starts all over again. I’m always here for her when she needs me but it doesn’t work the other way around. She keeps me on a string as her back-up plan in case her gf decides to leave for good. How can I, her best friend who’s been with her through thick and thin and pretty attractive and whom she claims to love, be a back-up plan in case her ugly abusive obese girlfriend decides to leave her?

She treats me like shit, really. And yet I think about her every day. Maybe because it’s the closest thing to my ultimate dream. That’s pretty sad.

Frustration

Still no response to my blatant offer to go camping with her. I know she’s been online too. Which drives me INSANE!!!! Why can’t she just answer me, yes or no? She’s been so nice, so I kinda doubt she’s going to just drop the conversation. FUCK! She’s fucking online RIGHT NOW. Even being rejected isn’t as bad as waiting, because at least you know and can move on. I also know she has no internet at her studio so I doubt I’ll hear from her until tomorrow, if ever. Why is she doing this to me? Is this some kind of game, or am I reading too far into it? Maybe she’s trying to think of a polite way to turn me down. Or maybe she actually wants to and is afraid to respond. Maybe she’s even taking the time to mull over the idea, like tasting a new wine, not sure if you like it or not. This is a bad thing to do to someone with horrible anxiety. I gave her my number but I highly doubt she put it in her phone, much less text/call me. I also noticed she posted her cell number on her info page. It’s like torture. I know I could just get the number and text her first but that would be WAY too forward and creepy. Like I said earlier, the ball’s in her court now. I wish I could turn off ALL notifications except hers so I can stop having a mini heart-attack everytime someone else posts or likes something. Another brutal night of waiting impatiently while my mind goes haywire and my heart rate fluctuates wildly.

(Source: e-xotictoxic)

it’s out there

Feelers

fuck…

I guess I wanted it to not be complicated and have him be indifferent, even though I hoped for more..

And now I know there is SO much more and the spark or whatever it was has not faded, only flamed higher…

Scared to say love.

No dice so roll on

We chatted again last night. It took me a long time to realize she had skirted my offer. Her messages, which used to be longer and nice, had changed into short little sentences and it often took her a long time to respond. I also noticed her responses were coming from a phone. So even though she doesn’t have internet at her place, she can get Facebook messages on her phone. She simply said I looked different back when we first met. That I had “scary snake eyes”. Those were my wolf-eye contacts and apparently she was not a fan. She didn’t say much after that. It was a while before I recognized all the signs. She is definitely NOT interested. I feel like a fool. It might have gone better if I didn’t rush things in my excitement, but I think she already had her opinion of me by then. She more than likely thinks I’m too weird for her. Being a social worker, she probably felt obligated to be friendly to me since she knew I was going through a rough time. I feel so so stupid. I stopped messaging her and she hasn’t said anything yet. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she just dropped the conversation and chuckled to herself over the weirdo that just about asked her out. I’m struggling to keep it from depressing me. 

I’m starting to feel like no one wants me. Except that one dude who asked me out on a date -_- I DON’T WANNA DATE GUYS!!! When I first came out and went to my first gay club, I was hot shit. I was young, new, slim, short black mohawk, and crazy contact lenses. A lot of girls wanted me but I was picky. I dated ONE and we all know how THAT turned out. I only went to the club for a short time. It’s gone now. There’s no gay bars/clubs in my county. Last night I decided I’m going to move to a big city and start over and change my looks and dance at all the gay clubs. There is pretty much NO LGBT community here and I need to get away from this small town so I can really blossom as a lesbian. I’m going to be hot shit again. I feel like I’m running out of time. At 25, I have little party years left before people start thinking of you as the old pitiful lesbian that kept coming to the clubs to dance with the young people.

I really want to move to the LA area, I decided. My best friend lives in LA and she’s gay and we never get to see each other very much anymore. She’s been with me through so much. Only problem is her girlfriend loathes me. Long story short, I threatened to kick her ass after my friend told me how abusive she is. She threatened to call the police. I mean, c’mon, really? She’s in the army too and has special training so why couldn’t she just step up and fight me? She’s been trained in combat. And yet I intimidate her. LA would be a nice big city to become a new person. Plus… I don’t want to move away from my friend. She’s one of the few I have and the best one at that. I could move to SF but then we’d never see each other. I want to be in the same town as her so I can be there for her when she’s having troubles and be her club buddy. Her girlfriend is very controlling but there wouldn’t be much she could do if I lived in the same town and my friend makes her own choices. I just feel like I need to be near her. Plus… I love her. If I can’t be her lover I will at least be her closest friend and be there whenever she needs me.

The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is HOW to move down there with little money and no car. And what about my son? Who would have custody? How would we exchange him back and forth with his father, who wants to move north? I think I already have my mind set on moving to LA. I just need to figure out the details. I need to talk to her about moving down there. She could probably help me secure a place and get down there. She says she has none of her own friends down there, just her girlfriend’s friends. I’d rather be her closest friend then date someone else and wish it was her. I think that means I’m staying single for a while lol. She’s my best friend and my biggest crush. I compare every girl to her. I desperately wish she would leave her ugly abusive girlfriend and decide to give me a chance. But I won’t get in their way. It has to be her decision. And even if I have to go to their wedding and watch with tears in my eyes and a broken heart, I still want to be her closest friend. It’s the closest to heaven that I know of.

hahaha yeah

(via sugarowlkisses-deactivated20130)

“she”

(Source: recklessrockcm)

Oops

I was woken up at about 2:45am by a phone call from a friend. He came over and we talked and caught up on each other. After he left, I realized I HAD messaged her my number! OMG I feel so stupid. Why would I assume she meant the same day? I acted like an obsessed teenager with a celebrity. I tried to delete the message but unlike posts, you can’t just delete them. They’ve already been sent to the other party. *facepalm* I tried to diffuse it by apologizing for seeming too “pushy” and backing out with my foot so far in my mouth I could taste my sock. Sometimes I like it when I impulse, sometimes I don’t. Guess which one this is?

Well I’m still awake and feeling like gaming so I’ll be playing Diablo 3 until I fall back asleep. Probably won’t be too long. I’ll hate myself tomorrow for being up but it’s easy to catch up on sleep with my son :)